Yesterday was a day of epiphany. I became conscious of somethings concerning myself. I carry guilt! I often feel guilty inside of myself. When I thought on this it bought me to a time in my life when I was a teenager. My family was not living for the Lord and He was nowhere in our minds. We had constant traffic in our home of the neighborhood characters that reside in most urban neighborhoods. These people came through my house as it pleased them. As a result, things were always coming up missing. Around about this time I was working and earning money and buying nice things for my son & myself. I was kinda smart and so I went to a school that took kids that could pass the test to enter, which bought me in contact with other kids all over the county. I would imagine the job and the school environment, made me feel like I wanted more than what I was exposed to in my home & neighborhood. This mind-set began to be noticed in my home life and I was always being looked at with opposition. Well I was mad all the time too, about the lack of privacy, the items I purchased that always came up missing, and the “who do you think you are” comments.
Although, I was angry, I did not want to be so ostracized, I was confused and when I think back on it, my feelings were hurt. It was during this time that wounds were inflected. I was always mad, with an attitude and it was told to me often, “you’re so mean”. I wanted more, I wanted to be liked or accepted, and I wanted to be supported. Because the people around me where a part of my family dynamics and I wanted to like them and have them like me and treat me with love and respect. I felt guilty about my anger towards them. I also wondered, who did I think I was & was it wrong to want?
There ignited the demand to compromise my desires, needs & wants, to be more accepting of others and who they are. You’re wrong Lisa, is what I told m deep down.
There has always been this feeling of guilt in me. I’ve felt the demand to be more accommodating in my attitude, with my time, in my opinions. I needed to accept that I was just selfish, so the feelings of guilt were always there lying dormant. I never could gauge what to give to myself and what to give of myself to others. This was and has been a gray area for me for a very long time. Through this Journey, I’d like to settle this issue.
I pray God continues to heal me of this and give me clarity that would allow me to be definitive about what to give, how to give and when to give.
Praise God for the Journey!